A Promo Ad for Meetings

I love this poster. Click on it for a larger view. Soooooo True!!

How Crayons Are Made

I wonder if they're still made this way...

Post Removed

By the way, I removed my last post. It just didn't mesh well and although my opinions remain the same, the topic was way too serious for this blog.

Something Fishy about that Video...

There was this guy who took a picture of himself every day for 6 years and did a continuous video of it...very interesting. This other guy did a "tribute" video to him. It captures something really suspicious in the first guy's video. Watch it 'til the end so you could see every picture and turn up your sound. Pay very close attention or you won't get it!!!

Balanced World, eh?

I read this in the comments section of this Dilbert post, in which some cheap shots were taken at Canadians. I think it's pretty funny...

After God hadn't been seen in six days, Michael the Archangel found him and asked where He had been. God pointed downwards and said, "I made a planet and put life on it. I call it Earth and it will be a place of perfect balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael.

God explained, "Yes, for example, Northern Europe is a place of opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is poor. The Middle East will be a hot spot. I made a continent of white people and another of black people. One area is hot and arid, while others are cold and covered with ice."

Michael was impressed. But then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place of all. There are mountains, lakes, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are modest, intelligent, humorous, sociable, hard-working, high-achieving, peace-loving diplomats."

Michael nodded, but then asked, "What about balance, God? You said Earth was a place of perfect balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait till you see the loudmouths I put next to them!"

The Honeymoon is Over

Here's a funny joke:

Simon and Mel had only been married for two weeks.
Simon, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to Mel,

"Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochycooh?" asked Mel.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

Mel said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

Simon didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because Mel interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

Simon, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f*cking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf*cking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

Sideswiping Stanleys

Have you ever been merrily driving along, in your own lane on the road or highway and some idiot begins to merge into your lane...literally right beside you?? This happened to me today as it does every so often. I think it's just to remind me that I must cherish life and never take it for granted.

Anyways, I gotta ask: wtf is wrong with these people? The highway isn't the Bumper Car Ride at the amusement park. I can understand the scenario where you may occasionally forget to check your blind spot and you nearly cut in front of someone too close by mistake. But what's up with the sideways merge into another car? Hello?? Are you comatose? Ever heard of peripheral vision? Get some. Or like I advised in my previous post to similarly idiotic drivers, just simply get off the roads. Maybe walk, take a bus...you clearly don't deserve the privilege of having a driver's license.

Dilbert Blog

If you haven't read the Dilbert guy's blog, take a look. His sarcasm is the best! Here's a story about Air Travel Security, one of my favorite topics to make fun of.

What do you want be when you grow up?

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!" ...


He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

(ha ha ha!)

Need some Inspiration?

Here's a glimpse of the remarkable father-son bond of Dick and Rick Hoyt, and their inspirational journey together in a triathlon...and life itself, set to a great song that is so fitting.



For more, here's an article on the team and here's the team's official website.

If you are not moved and inspired by any of this, you are not human...

World Cup Fever: The Final Chapter

As you know, Italy won the World Cup last week!! My neighborhood went absolutely nuts. For this post, I will try to relay the interesting events from beginning to end:

The game was to begin at 2pm, but the prep had begun in the morning. I went out to go to the store around noon and there's not much going on...it was very weird. There's 2 ice-cream trucks parked on either side of the street. There are no cars driving around because the road has already been closed down. There are cops walking around, but other than that, very eerily quiet. Like the calm before the storm. I walk to the store, get my milk, and go home to watch the game. But not without stopping to get my Italy "World Cup Champs" T-Shirt, of course, because I already have a funny feeling they are going to win.

At the game start, I can hear the fans watching outside from my balcony. I notice there is an announcer added to the square where the game plays this time. Nothing to report except that the crowds roar and people at home come out on their balconies screaming and waving flags when Italy scores. ..twice (but only one counted)

But here's where it gets interesting. The game is over and Italy wins in penalty kicks. The street erupts! I go outside, look up the street and there is a continuous SEA of people making their way to the square. (The picture to the left is from about 8:30-9pm...hours after the game ended and people are STILL streaming down the street. You can see this very clearly because it's a downhill walk to the square - wonder if that's a sign? - if you look to the bottom of the trees way at the back...that's all people walking down!!!)

The usual stuff is there, including crazy fans with flags everywhere, people screaming. But here's some new stuff:

Today there is a DJ and a stage built on the square, so there is extra noise with the announcements and music blaring.

There are the 2 ice-cream trucks as previously mentioned and a catering truck.

There are extra cops everywhere, but they seem to have nothing to do so they stand to the side and just watch people.

I met some people and we stopped at one of the restaurants in the square to have a drink. The restaurants are out of beer. Why were they not more prepared??? Oh, but not to worry, because there are two, count 'em, TWO ice-cream trucks parked out front at the ready. Yeah, because that's what crazed soccer fans want after a World Cup win...Ice-Cream.

The crowds are out way into the night. I hear it went until about 3am. The people that I'm with leave around 10:30. I take this time to walk home and download my pictures so I could go out again for a while.

There has been a Cement truck with the whole mixer painted with the Italy flag stripes parked outside the fruit store since the morning. This guy's got a monopoly on the horn-honking business since the road is closed and he was smart enough to smuggle his loud, obnoxious truck into the street earlier. He has taken full advantage of this, including scaring the bejeesus out of me when I was walking back from the store earlier.

A group of men walk through the square carrying a coffin pasted with France flags and some sort of condolence written in Italian.

News reporters are here.

Helicopters overhead at night. One with the big spotlight - you know like the ones you see in L.A. that search for criminals running from the law; and another plain one circling above my neighborhood.

Of course, eventually they open the road up (I can hear it from my balcony after I get home so they must have opened after midnight). Let the horn honking and people screaming on flat-bed trucks waving flags mayhem begin!!

And last, but certainly not least...

Guy out taking a leisurely stroll...walking his pet Sheep...on a leash...dyed the Italy flag colors. Red, white and green. I don't even know where to begin describing what was wrong with this scenario.

Viva Italia.

World Cup Fever: Part Deux

Newsflash: Italy has beaten the World Cup favorite Germany team and made it to the finals. I said some curse words to myself when I got in my car after work today, turned on the radio, and heard the news...not that I'm upset they won, I rather like the drama that unfolds when they do, but damn, I should have based my work schedule around the World Cup!!! Now by the time I get home, the mayhem will already be underway and my little 20 minute commute will be at least an hour.

This time, the mayhem was evident way before I got anywhere near my street. In fact, the streets were lined with what I call the "flag people", standing on the sidewalks, evoking much horn honking and traffic as soon as I got off the highway. And since the first time, you know, the BIG WIN against the FIRST-TIME World Cup Contenders of Ghana, there has been police presence to do crowd control on my street. These cops blocked off the left turn to my street. So I turn around to go the other way...same thing. I roll down the window and ask the guy..."If I live right there in the middle, how am I supposed to get home?" "No problem, Ma'am, just show me your license so I can verify your address and we'll move the barricade for you." How nice. He was really polite.

I couldn't help but have flashbacks of Spring Fling in my college days, where the campus police would barricade the off campus housing area where we lived and it would be a massive party, spanning the whole weekend in our development. We used to have to smuggle non-residents in as they would not allow people with other off campus parking stickers into the place. Spring Fling was nothing but a drinkfest, Kegs at every apartment, lawn parties, house parties, music, barbecues, and party-people everywhere - Day and Night!! All the good stuff. And everyone who didn't live there was desperate to get in.

Back to present day: A very ingenious person has discovered the beauty of the flat bed truck. So there is a flat bed truck going up and down the street, continuously honking its horn, with tons of people piled on it just SCREAMING at the top of their lungs. It's not decorated like a float or anything, these fans don't need the fancy stuff. Just a very large Italy flag draped around its sides will do. It is 10pm. This is not showing any signs of dying down. I can't wait to see what happens if Italy wins the World Cup on Sunday! Go Italy!!

World Cup Fever in My Neighborhood

Anyone who lives in any town that is ethnically diverse would have to be living under a rock to not know that the World Cup is fully underway. In my neighborhood, I have observed first-hand the "euphoria mixed with madness" of these soccer fans. I knew right away when it took me half an hour to make the measly left turn onto my street after work...

This phenomena was very amusing to watch from my car so I just had to go out with my camera and get some footage of the mayhem later in the evening. My goal was also to gain some insight into this event. Here's what makes this story so interesting. It is currently Round ONE and there is a huge victory parade going on in my neighborhood because Italy has won their FIRST game. They have beaten Ghana, who is in their World Cup debut. In other words then, Ghana has NEVER taken part in the World Cup...yet a victory over them is cause for MAJOR celebration here. In fact, this celebration has been going on since the game ended, at what I can gather was about 4:30, and I'm told will continue into the night. I was also told by two young girls on the street that this will happen even if Italy loses. You gotta love that! (P.S. Just went out to my balcony at 10pm, still some horn-honking, but it has now died down considerably compared to earlier at 9pm)

There are cars draped with flags, people draped with flags, some of them with no shirts on and running down the street, everyone honking their horns and going up and down this one main street of my little neighborhood.

There's a small Honda civic that has made it's way around about 3 times from what I can tell. This car, I swear, has had about 20 kids piled in and ON it, from the hood to the trunk. This kid's sideview mirror apparently got knocked off, was dangling and threatening to come off completely. He then made all the other kids get off his car. Get this: He looked a little ticked about the situation. Ummmmm, yeah, when you've got 20 kids draped on your car, with flag poles coming out from the inside, left, right and center, some damage is bound to occur... Einstein. It's your fault for happily allowing it, so get over it. Besides, a little Duct Tape and you're good as new. They even make invisible Duct Tape now. Try it. I have, and it works great, especially in the summer.

There are crazy fans who stop any car that drives by with a flag from another country. And by "stop", I mean, they have a car, generally a very long pickup truck of some sort, waiting in one of the side parking lots pull out and block the intersection. They mock them, fake moon them - i.e. pants don't come down (what's with the fake moon?) and I also observed one guy who spilled beer on one of these cars. Now, you can argue both sides of this situation:

Take the man sitting beside me on the bench for example (both of us with camera in hand, i.e. observers, not par-takers), his opinion was: "They shoulda hava fun, but thatsa too much. Itsa okay to hava fun, but thatsa too much."

I say, "True, but anyone who drives through here should be smart enough to know within seconds what's going on and maybe they should TAKE DOWN THEIR FLAG temporarily. In my opinion, they're just asking for it." It would be the equivalent of going to a Philadelphia Eagles game, in Philly, with a Dallas Cowboys jersey and your face painted that ugly navy Blue and Silver. YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT...unless you wish to provoke some trouble (in which case, your wish will be granted...especially in Philly or apparently, any World Cup Soccer celebration too!!) - P.S. I'm an Eagles Fan.

At about 8:45pm two cops drive down the street, no siren, but they have their lights flashing. I think, okay, maybe the horn-honking will stop. NO, it continues. Apparently, the cops were there only to observe the mayhem too.

To close off, here's one of the very few things I like about living in Toronto. There is a lot of ethnic pride here. And here's what I love about living in my particular neighborhood in Toronto: These people are crazy, yes, they're a bit over the top, yes, but who doesn't love their roots? I love to watch that kind of pride. Although I am not Italian, I can identify with the sheer joy of being proud of one's heritage. I am proud of mine. And if we ever even make it to the World Cup, I will be buying a flag, draping it on my car and honking my horn too (just not in this neighborhood, of course)!! I might not do it in ROUND ONE...but nonetheless, I would do it. Because why not be happy about something regarding the country where you came from? - most of us came from somewhere, right? ... and also, it's fun.

The other thing I love is that my neighborhood is quaint. And it's not quaint because it's trying to be quaint. It just is. There's a donut shop across the street, called "The Donut Shop" (how creative), and it has a liquor license. I think their main sales come from the sale of beer, not donuts, but whatever. That's what makes it interesting. The sidewalks are made of brick, and they are uneven, the Drug store is not a brand name drug store. There is a small barber shop down the street, where little old men hang out in the front. The thing is a shack, but as you drive by, you can tell that this is a place where people congregate and pass their days and tell stories. The barber may likely not make a lot of money, but he has made a life that he enjoys (and really, what's more important?)

There are so many other things I like about the neighborhood where I live, but don't let me bore you with that. At the end of the day, I think that no matter where you live, what your life entails, what trauma you went through today, last year, or anytime in the past, there are always things that you can look at and say, "Wow, that part about it was great, wasn't it?"

Like the Italy soccer fans who will celebrate........ even when they lose.

These Drivers Drive Me Crazy

Okay, I confess, I am an impatient, "get the 'H-E-Double Hockey Sticks' out my way", kind of driver. I can't help it. I think that a car is a way to get from point A to point B...fast. I'm not into "Sunday Driving" and to me, the speed limit is just a suggestion. I think good drivers should be allowed to go at whatever speeds they want and others should be legally required to move out of their way. Like they would for vehicles such as ambulances, fire trucks and police cars. Here are some pet peeves I have about the typical bad drivers you see around.

1) People who stroll along slowly on the highway on-ramp. Ummm...YOU HAVE JUST ENTERED A HIGHWAY, you might want to increase your speed so you can keep up the pace with the rest of the drivers...come on, join the living. I've actually seen these people slow down and come to a complete stop on the shoulder because they can't get in. Gee, I wonder why?

2) Slow drivers, in general. Do these people not have anywhere to go? Why are they on the road? Here's a suggestion for you: There are other structures built for you to get places. They are called sidewalks. Please use them. You seem to have the time on your hands and could probably use the exercise anways.

3) People who take way too long to make a right-hand turn...I have some much needed news for these people. Guess what? Newsflash, Einstein, you DO NOT have to come to a full stop to pull off this maneuver. Get a move on and stop delaying moving traffic.

4) People who drive on the shoulder in heavy traffic. What jerks these people are. What makes them think that they have the right to bypass everyone else and expect to be let in to the regular lane down the line. I love when I see them pulled over by a cop for this infraction. Yeah, thought you were being smart, eh? But don't worry, they'll invent the hovercraft very soon and then you won't have anything to worry about.

5) People who don't move right away when the short-running left turn arrow becomes green. Buddy, move it, there's a whole line of us wanting to get through this turn of the light. I can tell that you didn't move fast enough because you are not close enough to the car that turned before you. These people are the worst. Especially because if you miss this light, it adds at least 10-15 minutes to your commute.

6) People who stroll along in the passing lane going the speed limit or below...ummmm, those other lanes are for you. USE THEM. Or use the sidewalks.

7) People on the highway in ANY lane who cannot seem to rev up enough to even pass slow moving trucks. These people are the reason the rest of us have to deal with trucks in the middle and sometimes even the left lanes. It's not the truck drivers' fault. So next time you feel like cursing at the truck driver, remember, they are probably in that lane because they were forced there by one of these slow-pokes.

8) The stupid person who stops at yellow lights. Especially the one who is going straight in the right lane and you are right behind them and all you wanted was to make that right turn!! Now you have to wait for the light to turn green because of this guy!!! Ugh.

9) People who brake for no reason. My theory is that these people are the single, solitary largest reason that traffic exists on our roads and highways.

10) Vans and SUVs in the fast lane on a busy highway. I'll spend about a minute following behind thinking, there are probably a line of cars in front only to find out (when I creep into the right lane to see what's there - as all people like me do) that there are wide open spaces in front of this idiot...and plenty of room for him to move over.

11) I think I have alluded to this on another post: BMW drivers or their equivalent (Any expensive car purchased for the ego-factor). They seem to be so afraid to crash their car that they are EXTRA careful. Here's a question, why buy an expensive high performance vehicle if you are not going to go fast in it??? Why don't you just walk. And maybe wear a picture of the car in a locket around your neck or on a t-shirt. That way people will know you own the car so you can still get your ego-boost. At the same time, the rest of us won't have to suffer from your pretentious, slow, Sunday driving every day of the week.

12) We have all run into these next set of people: the ones who wait at a corner, see you coming and pull out to turn as you are speeding down the road. Everytime you see one of these threats sitting on the corner, kind of creeping up, you hope and pray that they are not daft enough to get into the same lane you're barelling down in. 9 times out of ten, they do. And of course they don't bother to speed up. No...why do that?? It's better if you are forced to slow down or literally have to come to a complete stop for them. Or maybe they are tempting fate...I really hate these people. It's one thing to come out onto the road, but don't get into the lane with the fastest moving car approaching...get in the other lane...right away, or wait until the road is clear!!!!!!!!! Or like I said in other peeves above. Just walk. You don't deserve the privelege of a driver's license.

The Origins of a Popular Phrase

In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The Employees told their Supervisors: "It's a crock of shit and it stinks!"
The Supervisors then told the Department Heads: "It's a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor."
The Department Heads then told the Managers: "It's a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it."
The Managers then told the Director: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
The Director then told the VP: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
The VP told the Executive-VP: "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
The Executive-VP told the President: "It is very strong and will promote growth and efficiency of the system."
And the President reviewed the plan, and said: "This is good."
And the plan became policy.

...And this, my friends, is how shit happens.

The Workweek Rant

Manic Monday:
I'm not ready for this. Two days is not nearly enough time to recuperate from last week. I wish I was Costanza. I'd say I'm at an all-day meeting and be asleep under my desk the whole time.

Ode to Tuesday:
Dear Tuesday, you suck too.

Wednesday Woes:
Why don't we just get Wednesdays off? What purpose does this day serve? And why is it spelled in this way? It's pronounced "Wensday". It's the only day of the week that's doesn't sound like it's spelled. For this reason alone, it should be a day of rest.

Optimistic Thursday:
Ok, I'm back in the swing of this. I can totally handle this work thing. And one more day 'til the weekend! Piece of cake.

The Friday Vortex:
Why is my Friday always so damn hectic??...I spend the whole week behind on everything and think I can catch up a little bit on Friday. Yes, that will be the day I will tie up MY loose ends...but no, apparently everyone else has the same idea. So what you have is all these people trying to catch up on their work, having gone in circles all week, and then it all gets sucked into this one day we call Friday. The Vortex. I am going to start leaving an away message on my voicemail particularly for Friday. "I'm sorry, but today is Friday and, like you, I am also trying to catch up on my work. I will not be able to answer your request today. Press nothing. Hang up, and call back on Monday unless you are returning my phone call and I need something from you. Otherwise, do not attempt to reach me in any way. If you waited all week to get your problem resolved, then one more day clearly won't hurt you. Thank You and Have a Nice Day." This day has the perfect name. It is my Fried-Day.

In summary, I think we should only have to work one day a week: Thursday. Write your congressman in support of this new legislation.

And while we all wait for this new law to take effect, here's a note you can use to excuse your absence:

Catchy Phrases (Continued)

A continuation of my post from April 14th (phrases I'd like to bring back):

Do you mind? No, I babysit.

Go jump in the lake.

When someone calls your name: That's my name, don't wear it out.

When you give someone your phone number: Use it, don't abuse it.

When you and someone else say the same thing at the same time (1): Jinx! You owe me a beer.

When you and someone else say the same thing at the same time (2): Jinx! Now you can't speak 'til somebody says your name. (and if they speak before that, you get to punch them!).

Go take a long walk off a short pier.

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She's not the brightest crayon in the box.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

He's all that and a bag of chips.

When you catch someone staring at you: Take a picture, it lasts longer.

When someone doesn't understand what you said: Did I stutter?

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

So what's your major malfunction?

What's the plan, Stan? (I still say this regularly)

What's the word, Big Bird?

What's the 411?

Instead of Goodbye: See ya later, alligator.

and the other person answers: In a while, crocodile.

_________________________________

That's it for now but I'll write more as I think of them....see ya later, alligator.

Great Tune, Great Video

Just Click on the Play button.
(I turned off the autostart since this post is now buried under others.)

Where'd You Go
Fort Minor, Featuring Holly Brook



Holly Brook's MySpace Page

The Oreo Cookie Psychological Profile Test

I'm #6 and #8. Because I really only like the cookie part. If I can cleanly pull off the cream and throw it away, I also opt to do that...but there's no profile that matches that action. Try it yourself. See what your profile is!!

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.



Your Personality:

1. The whole thing - this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit

4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

10 things I hate about traveling

You know what? I hate traveling. I love going places, but I hate traveling to get there. Here's my top ten beefs about traveling:

1. The cab pickup to the Airport:
When I call a cab for 8am, don't show up at 7:30 and then sulk when I say I'm not ready.

2. The cab ride to the Airport:
I am a customer in your cab. My main goal is to get from my home to the airport...nothing more, nothing less. I do not care that driving a taxi is hard work, and how you have trouble making ends meet, etc. I do not know you and I am not a social worker.

3. The Terminals:
Airports of the world, please come up with a better way to decide what belongs in what terminal and what is considered domestic vs International. Some of you consider Canada domestic, others International. And if it says US Airways - Canada, don't be surprised that I am going to get off the bus for my US Airways flight to Canada...I cannot predict that the terminal 5 stops down is the one that is for US Airways Express to Canada. Ughhh!! Even when I try to be right, I'm wrong.

4. The Sprawler:
The guy on the plane who thinks that because you are smaller, it is okay for him to sprawl himself over to your side of the seating area.

5. Canada Customs at Toronto Airport:
Can these people not afford ropes? These people can really learn something from the U.S. Customs side. At U.S. Customs, everyone enters the ropes in the order in which they got there and they are served in the same manner and in the order in which there is an agent available. What an ingenious idea. What's with the mass confusion on the Canadian side??? And while I'm at it, why do you have to trek 5 miles to get there? And why do you have to go UP an escalator and then DOWN another one to get there? Are they trying to play some trick on us? Like they don't want us to figure out where it's located. It must be some top secret location, maybe it's not even in the airport...I could just picture the geniuses around the table at the design stages of this thing: "Oh yeah, the excruciating long walk combined with the up and down is sure to completely disorient them. They'll never figure out where the customs office is really located this way." Why don't they just blindfold us when we get off the airplane?

6. The airline snack:
Do you have to be Arnold Shwarzenegger to open this packet? Also, why can't they decide what the ingredients are? Why is there a disclaimer: "May or may not contain peanuts and/or nuts."?? It's a bag of pretzels. How can they not know if it contains nuts or not?

7. The traveling Salesman:
He always needs to find some connection with you. At a layover one day, this guy was conversating with me, asking a lot of questions trying to find some reason to pass me his business card...because for salespeople, if there is no hand-off of the business card, then the conversation was a waste. "How's that sandwich?" (oops, that won't help me hand the business card, let me move quickly from this question) "Where do you work, where did you go to school, where are you traveling from?" and so on and so on....So he finally gets to something: "So what flight are you on?". I tell him the time and destination. "Oh, my, what a gosh-darn coincidence. When you get on the flight, ask for the pilot, mention my name, he is my sister's brother-in-law. He'll know me." And BAM! He hands me the business card for reference. Thanks! Now I feel like I have some influence over this flight. I will be sure to seek out the pilot as soon as I enter the aircraft. Maybe because I can say I know you, they will give me extra snacks on the flight. Oh joy.

8. The car rental Preferred Service:
When we exit the airport and get on your little bus, it is our goal to quickly pick up our car and be on our way. If we are not on the Preferred Service Plan, then you may want to drop us off at the car pick up desk FIRST since we are the ones who will have to wait in a line. We don't wish to crawl the entire parking lot while you make 20 stops to drop off the preferred people. Please go directly to the hub, drop us off, and then go back to perform this other service. Trust me, it won't take more than two minutes extra for the other "special" people.

9. The security check:
Now I think I look fairly non-threatening. Here's what happened one of the last times at the security check: "Ma'am we have detected scissors in your bag. Please produce the scissors." I find the damn scissors and show them to the officer. "I see these are sharp edge manicure scissors. Had they been the rounded edge ones you could have taken them with you. You have two choices ma'am: You can return to the ticket counter and check your bag or you can return to the beginning and mail them to yourself." This makes no sense to me because I'd rather do neither. "Can you simply just take them?", I ask. "Yes." "Okay, I'll do that." Come on, they are a pair of manicure scissors...not a machete. What do they think I am going to do with these scissors? Force someone into trimming their cuticles against their will?? Really, what catastrophic damage could these tiny scissors do? Yet, they allow someone to board the plane with 4 books of matches. Check out this article which clarifies this idiotic rule. It basically states that this new rule was meant to end "a security loophole that lawmakers said could be exploited by terrorists seeking to light explosives in the cabin." I could be way off here, but don't matches produce fire?... How on earth did these lawmakers miss this point??? I hope at least blow torches were banned. A 4-year old could have done a better job making this law. I think that's about the age we all learned what matches do...ummm, yeah, they can light things on fire.

10. The hotel heating and air conditioning:
If apartment buildings can have separate central climate control in each unit, why can't hotels?? These contraptions are loud and obnoxious and they can only make the room two temperatures: Too Hot or Too Cold. Well, I guess I shouldn't complain. At least there's some options.

One thing I love about traveling (because, really, I don't hate everything):

1. The bag helpers:
The wonderful rental car bus drivers who come out of the bus and take your bags with a smile and the nice tall men on the plane who help you get your bags into and out of the stupid overhead bins. God bless you all. Because, clearly you can see right away that I am a girl so I must have overpacked and of course my bags are probably way too heavy for me to lift. You are my heroes. :)

Y2K Compliance (Thru the Eyes of a Blonde)

TO: Boss

FROM: Blondie

RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Catchy Phrases

Here are some very profound things that you just hardly ever hear anymore. I'd like to bring these back into regular conversation:

Cool it.

What you talkin' 'bout Willis?

Sike!

Gag me with a spoon.

Take an Ex-Lax and relax.

Go take a hike.

Go suck an egg.

Gnarly, dude.

That's Neat!

I know you are, but what am I?

Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.

Say it, don't spray it. I asked for the news, not the weather.

What time is it? It's time for you to buy a watch.

I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

BTW, the ones I really like are in BOLD.
____________________________

Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.

Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.

Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.

Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.

When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.

Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.

If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"

When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"

If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.

Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. (This one's my personal favorite)

Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.

Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

The Friendly Toll Booth Guy

So we get lost on a toll road somewhere travelling in the U.S. What happened, you ask? Well, I didn't mean to get on the toll road. I really shouldn't have passed that point of no return (you know, where it says no U-Turn, but people do it anyways), and apparently, I NEVER should have passed through without taking a ticket. Oh well, there must be a way out...When we get to the first exit (which was about 15 miles away), we approach the lovely guy in the toll booth. I roll down my window and prepare to do my best "damsel in distress" impression.

"How are you doing Ma'am?", he says, (good, he seems friendly, he'll understand and let us through to go back with no problem)

"Well, not so good", I say, "we're lost and never meant to get on this road. Also we DID NOT TAKE A TICKET."

The guy's mood does a complete 180:

"Ma'am, yes I would agree, you have a VERY SERIOUS problem on your hands. If you had read the ticket, it says right there on the back" (pulls a ticket out and proceeds to read to me what is written on the back of it, while pointing at it and talking down to me):

"Should a driver misplace or fail to present a ticket at the exit, said driver shall pay the maximum trip amount up to that exit point."

Okay, so I don't bother to point out to the moron that I certainly could not have read the small print on the back of the TICKET (see above)...hence the dilemma in the first place...what geniuses are working in these toll booths? But I say nothing, because we need directions from this guy. There's no need to berate him the way he did us. We pay the maximum fee amount and he proceeds to tell us how to get back...in a very "Father talking to 3-year old child" manner. Ughh.

What an abuse of power. Clearly, these toll booth people take their job way too seriously. Buddy, your job is to collect tolls for a roadway. Not "Undercover Operative for the FBI."... Relax.

Being an Easter bunny is not fun...

What's Wrong with This Picture?

This will blow your mind. Let's see if you can figure it out. Be sure to look very closely throughout this picture and turn up your sound for a hint.

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m. the next day. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

(Hee hee hee...)

Nazi Hairdresser

I think there is a law out there that says you cannot continuously, for any great amount of time, be happy with your haircuts. It would throw off the laws of the universe if you went on a streak of good experiences. This is why the gods intervene every now and then to make sure that does not happen.

This week, I had my required intermittent encounter with this law...and I am pi$$ed. I should have known better. When I made the appointment and got the answer, sorry "Regular Hairdresser" is not in for 2 weeks...why why why did I say, "Oh, that's fine, give me someone else. I really need to get an appointment." The color and highlights went fine. "Regular Colorist" did a great job as usual. And then the handoff...

Enter Nazi Hairdresser...her instructions?: "I just want a trim." I don't know, to me, that means that every single hair on my head should be trimmed about a quarter inch at most and only if needed and I should be walking out of there looking about the same as I did when I got there. What does she do??...lops off 2 inches...oh yeah, that's what I really wanted. Yes, and put layers in even though I didn't ask for them. Do what you want because clearly I'm drunk or something and cannot really describe what I want. She must have been trained by the same people at our company cafeteria. Not only did she layer my hair when I did not ask her to...you can't even call it "layers". She basically chopped off all the hair from my crown to one bob-length and left the hair at the bottom long. Can you say "1980's??"...how about 2 haircuts going on at once?? I'm surprised she didn't give me a mullet.

There are a few things to note about hairdressers: 1) If you are not their regular client, they will not care about you. They will not bother to check with you to confirm what they are doing or have any conversation with you for that matter. What do they care? Especially if they know they are just a stand-in for your regular hairdresser. This must infuriate them. 2) They will always want to give you layers!!! WHY WHY WHY????? This is the most difficult haircut to grow out. It's like they know this. They don't like your long hair and want to do whatever it takes to force you to cut it off. 3) When you tell them you don't like it, they will not agree. Really, is it your opinion that matters here or MINE?? I think I'm the one who has to live with it, not YOU!!!!!!!!!! 4) The people you speak to at the salon afterwards will force you to come in again so they can "fix it". I can understand fixing a haircut that ended up too long. How on earth does one fix it if it's too short???? Is there some magic wand they have that will make the hair grow back immediately? NO. So this compromise is in no way soothing. Why don't they at the very least give you your money back? If I went to a restaurant, ordered a salad and they brought me a burger...I would not be expected to pay for the burger. Why then, am I expected to pay for a bird's nest on my head when all I asked for was a trim????

I hope she goes bald for the entire length of time it's going to take me to grow all my hair back to the length it was...I would curse here but I'm trying to keep this blog clean.

Another Head Scratcher

I wonder if this sign was worth the advertising expense...

Re: Your Letter to the Company Cafeteria

Dear Supporter,

In response to your letter below dated March 11, 2006, we would like to re-affirm that we are in agreement with your requests and can fully guarantee that we will continue this level of service in the future. In addition to your requests, we would also like to add the following commitments to further enhance your cafeteria experience:

We in the cafeteria understand that you are busy. This is why we are committed to foregoing the usual pleasantries and questions, such as "Would you like pepper on that?" In the interest of saving you time, we will continue to predict what it is you want through the power of osmosis. Thus if we think that you think you want pepper, we will simply go ahead and add it. We believe that this will continue to be to your liking. Further to that, in response to your letter (request #1), we disagree with your statement. It is not that we believe that you cannot think for yourself. We simply believe that you cannot speak for yourself. Rest assured, our staff is fully certified to deliver this mind-reading service to alleviate your obligation here.

As an addendum, we would like to point out one exclusion to the above service: it does not apply to bread choice. We will still have to ask you what kind of bread you would like. We will, however, guarantee that, 1) we will not be able to tell you the bread choices, 2) we will stand in front of the bread choices so that you simply cannot see them, and 3) we will not post the bread choices anywhere since we will never consistenly have the same ones on hand on any given day ...we are however, willing to guarantee that when you do pick your bread, it will be our call whether to toast it or not. This part is covered under the "osmosis" clause above.

We are hereby extremely committed to ensuring that when you pick up a soup at our fine establishment, that it will take at least one full hour before it is cooled down enough for you to safely eat it. We think that the anticipation of the soup will bring you to enjoy it that much more. And your enjoyment is our number one priority.

We will always ensure that the least used condiment, such as relish, is the most fully stocked. There's no sense in actually stocking the things people want, such as ketchup. We feel that if you didn't have to ask for it, all lines of communication would be broken. Furthermore, our mind reading service does not cover condiments or other such items residing outside of the cafeteria line. In addition, as noted above, we can only predict those things that we think you want. Not the ones you actually want.

In addition to your request that we touch your food with our bare hands, we would also like to offer our "Germs on the Plastic Cutlery" plan at no additional charge to you. Under this plan, we will store all plastic cutlery face up in the bins so that you will not only experience the germs of the cashier's hands and the money on your food, you will also have the opportunity to eat said food using utensils that your co-workers have touched face up. I mean, germs on the food is one thing, but why stop there? There are so many other opportunities to provide more germs. We trust that this plan will be to your liking.

In closing, we would like to inform you that we will be meeting on a regular basis to discuss other ways to enhance our services. We will communicate to you any other items that are deemed to be in your interest. We will do so in the same timely and efficient manner that you are accustomed to.

Sincerely,

League Of Steadfast and Efficiently Relegated Services
(L.O.S.E.R.S.)

And I thought smart people worked at the library

If in the real world, the average price of a new book is about $30 (unless you've ever had to buy text books...then I'd say it's about $100+) and the average price of a new movie is about $25, why does the library charge you 25 cents/day when you are late returning a book, yet has the audacity to charge you $2/day when you are late returning a movie?

Which Einstein came up with this formula?

Promotion Request

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Later that day...

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Would you want this name?

Poor guy. I'm sure it's Stuart Pidass and the "art" was whited out...but still, what an unfortunate combination...and of course he's Canadian!!

Head Scratcher

3 men go into a hotel. The desk clerk said the room was $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.

A while later, the desk clerk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys' room with $5.

On the way, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This meant that the men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27.

Add to that the $2 the bellboy kept and the total is $29. Where is the other dollar?

If Women Ruled the Car Dealerships

Yes, just sort them by color. We don't care about much else. The big signs and color coding on the building are also very convenient features. How could one go wrong with this type of set-up?

A Letter to the Company Cafeteria

Dear Cafeteria Workers:

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the ways that you enrich our lives in all that you do. You are a beacon of light in our daily fight against the rat-race. We also take this opportunity to point out and re-confirm your commitment to these items that we feel are most important in continuing down this path of enlightenment for us. That being said, please take note of the following requests:

Do you see a soup or salad on my tray when I get to the register? Ever? But seriously, can you continue asking me everyday if I want soup or salad with that? I would hate it if on the one day I actually want it, that I not be prompted by you and hence miss out. Because, as you clearly already know, I cannot think for myself.

Can you maybe take 20 minutes to make my sandwich? Yes, that's exactly why I came rushing up here before the mad lunch "rush". So that I could waste my time standing here waiting 4 times the amount of time it should take. Because I have nothing else better to do with my time. And I do so enjoy eagerly watching the production of my lunch unfold in slow motion. It adds that extra "Chariots of Fire" quality to my day.

Can you pile all of the stuff in the middle of my sandwich so that when I go to take a bite, it falls apart? Yes, a scoop of the chicken salad (don't bother to flatten it - it will take too much time and I can see that time is your number one priority), throw the tomatoes on in a tower-like fashion on top of it and then add about 1/2 a pound of lettuce before you add the top piece of bread. I like having to make my sandwich over again when I get to my desk. It helps to fill my day with the creativity that my job so lacks.

Can you be ready and waiting while I am still deciding what I want and then as soon as I am ready to order, can you exit to the back for a few minutes? And when I have gotten my food, can you have me wait at the register for the cashier to show up? It gives me time to ponder and reflect on life. Much appreciated.

Can you please come over from the cash register and touch my cooked food with your bare hands? I like the flavor of money on my food. It just adds that extra exotic taste I was looking for today. And the germs of many, many hands, and other places coming off your hands onto the food I am about to eat makes me feel risqué. Because of you, I can think of myself as a wanton daredevil at least a few times a week in my otherwise lackluster existence. THANKS!

Can three of you be talking to me and trying to serve me all at once? It makes me feel special to know that this many people were involved in making my sandwich today. It is clearly a project that requires multiple levels of involvement and input. Our company values collaboration and teamwork. Great job!

When we order snacks for a meeting, can you please always ensure that these are "mystery" snacks? We so enjoy the anticipation of waiting to see what we're gonna get. It brings excitement to our otherwise dull lives. Please don't ever revise your ordering forms so that we have the ability to actually pick what we want. That's no fun.

Can you continue charging everyone a different price for the same meal? It's kind of a little game for us: Who got gypped the most today? We would hate to miss out on this amusement.

In closing, please keep up the good work. We'd be lost without you. Who needs exceptional service, really? It's over-rated. Your way is much more entertaining.

Sincerely,

Your Official Undying Supporters of Under-rated Cafeteria Kicks

(Y.O.U. S.U.C.K.)

This one's Funny...

Click Here for a Funny List by someone else. All so true!!

Newsflash

How come when the newscasters find out a crucial bit of information, they make you wait until the next broadcast to tell you what it is. If you're not going to tell me what it is, don't interrupt my programming to give me some vague detail like:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There is something in your home right now that could kill you. Tune in at 11 and we'll tell you all about it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay then. I will sit here and spend the next 4 hours worried and paralyzed on my couch. Or maybe the best thing to do is to go wait on my balcony...as the poignant and extremely informative newsflash did warn of "something in your home". Yeah, that's what I'll have to do, because the thing could very well be something as intangible as the air...

Cheez Whiz

You know how Oprah asks some of her famed guests, "What do you know for sure?" If I was ever offered the opportunity to be asked this by Oprah, I'd say:

"Oprah, that is a very interesting and profound question. (Then I would ponder this for a moment.) In life, I know for sure this: That although I do not particularly like Cheez Whiz, I know that once in a very blue moon, I develop a craving for it so strong that I have to have it right away. It usually happens at the most inopportune time. For that reason, I tend to keep a jar of it in the refrigerator at all times in anticipation of this event.

And, as sure as the sun rises in the east, I know that the next time I have a craving for Cheez Whiz, I will commend myself for always being so proactive. I will go to the fridge and with frenzied excitement, I will grab the unopened, faithful jar, look at it ravenously...and discover that it is expired."

Voice Response Systems

Now I like to consider myself pretty tech-savvy. I can use email, format an Excel spreadsheet, and independently program my VCR (yes, I still have one). And I like to think I'm progressionist on my views of technology. But I draw the line at these voice activated response systems. Curse on you, "Movie Phone", for starting this trend.

How lazy do they think the general public has gotten, that we can no longer tolerate having to punch in our information, so we'd rather opt to yell it into our phones. (Which doesn't leave me with a whole sense of security when I'm doing this in a public place, by the way).

I can't help but feel stupid yelling one-liners into my cell phone: "Account Information" Long pause. "Account Information". Long Pause. "Yes". Longer pause. "No"...I mean come on.

The automated lady on the phone is always so annoying. A female robot version of Alex Trebek. Friendly, in a condescending way. "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please listen carefully to the following options. When you hear the one you want, just say it." Like I haven't repeated it ten times already. Like I am saying the wrong thing...Then, after several failed attempts, she'll come on and say, "I'm sorry you are having trouble. Please try again later." And she hangs up!!!

It reminds me of a fateful night long ago when I had to make a collect call to my mom. This was when just a few companies were doing this. So I call the collect number. The lady gets on the line. "Please say your name after the tone." BEEP. I say my name. The system dials my mom.

Mom picks up. "Hello".

Short pause. "Hi, this is AT&T with a collect call from daughter. Will you accept the charges? Please say Yes or No."

Mom: "Okay".

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. This is AT&T with a collect call from daughter. Will you accept the charges. Yes or No?"

Mom: "Yeah, I said okay. Put her through!!".

Two more rounds of this and mom is getting frustrated.
Daughter chimes in, "Mom, you have to say yes."

Mom says, "I did. I don't know what's wrong."

"No, you actually have to say YES... Y - E - S "

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

She let's the AT&T lady finish her spiel and then very loudly with great determination, when the million dollar question is asked again, she yells:

"YES!!"

And there you have it. About a ten minute ordeal that should have taken a few seconds. Automated voice recognition at its finest.

================

Or how about the name recognition service on our company voicemail:

The man comes on, very polite, mind you, and says: "Name Please?"

"Joe Smith"

"Thank you. Ringing Brenda Cooper. To cancel, press star."

You press star.

"Name Please?"

"Joe Smith"

"Thank you. Ringing John Smith. To cancel, press star."

Close, but no dice, so you press star.

"Name Please?"

"Joe Smith."

"Thank you. Ringing Chicago. To cancel, press star."

So after about 5 minutes, you accept that this is not working. You hang up on the polite man, and make a mental note to get Joe Smith's extension number for next time. Because apparently, his name is too complex and exotic for the phone mail system to recognize it. You get up from your chair and walk the 5 seconds to Joe's office. When you get there Joe waves you in and gestures you to have a seat as he's on a phone call. In about 3o seconds, you hear Joe say, out of the blue, the random phrase, "Account Information." You realize right away that this is going to take a while.

Car Salesmen: Please watch Sesame Street

How come when you are buying a car, during the schmoozing part, the salesman is telling you "Oh, you can afford $5,000 for this extra. $5,000 is not a lot of money." and when it's time to deal your trade-in, he will tell you, "You're asking $5,000 for your trade-in? That's a lot of money. We can't do that."

How come the $5,000 fee on extras is considered a minor cost against the value of the vehicle, but the $400 sticker price rebate you are getting is phenomenal savings? I think I already learned from Grover on Sesame Street the difference between big and small. Perhaps they should use this segment in their training program. And might as well throw in "Grover Explains the Difference Between Near and Far" and "Elmo Counts to Ten"

The Cash Register

Did you ever notice that you can walk by the cash register in a store a million times and see the cashier just waiting for customers with nothing to do...but as soon as you are ready to cash out with your purchases, every single person in the store has decided to do so at that very moment...all before you. And about five of them need a price check, of course. So you spend longer in the line than it took you to pick out your meager purchases. There is always someone who walks up and pretends that they don't know where the line ends, so they quietly sidle up next to someone in front of you, to which everyone gives them dirty looks. Having received the reprimand, this person always says, "Oh, I didn't know." with a nervous chuckle, and they return back to the store and continue looking around. Hoping for that moment when the cashier is just waiting for customers with nothing to do.

I remember one time I was in a busy store around Christmas. Waiting in line forever with about 3 items and it was my turn next. Some man walks up to me and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, can I go in front you? I only have this one item." And before I even answer him, he proceeds to cut the line in front of me. Ummm, where do you see the sign that says: "people who have single purchases shall supercede those with multiple purchases." (???) So I tell him, "I'm sorry, sir, but I was here first. You'll need to wait just like me and everybody else behind me." I remember the confused look on his face as he backed away. Like what I had said did not make any sense...So off he went, on his quest to find a victim who will let him cut the line. Buddy, if you just picked a line and stood in it for a while, you would have been out of here a long time ago.

By the way, his purchase was a can of paint. There is nothing about a can of paint that could be a dire emergency. I could understand if he was carrying a first aid kit or a defibrillator, but a can of paint?

A Grievance Letter to the Photocopier

Dear Photocopier,

What did we do to you to make you hate us so much? We gave you a nice, cushy job. You even have your own office space. You get to hang out all day with your friend the fax machine (who, by the way, should really step up and take a better leadership role. Teach you about good service). We keep you well fed with paper and ink. We even let you go to sleep each night for a much longer period than we even get.

All we ask is that when we need a photocopy, that you deliver. Is this too much to ask? How come, whenever we are in a rush, you invariably jam for some reason. It's like you sense our impatience and wish to mock us. Why do you say "Paper Jam. Please open cover and clear paper jam." Then when we open the cover or whatever door you are telling us to look in, there is NOTHING there.

Paper size... If I put something smaller than 8 1/2 X 11 paper on your glass, why must you confirm the paper size with me? Isn't 8 1/2 X 11 the smallest paper size you can deliver? Why do you not just deliver the copy on that size paper? You know you can't deliver something smaller so why do you ask? You don't ask this question when I put the normal size item on it. Photocopier, rest assured, I will tell you when I want the business card copied onto 11 X 17. You needn't worry yourself over it.

Lastly, when I am doing a long copy job, why do you let the print jobs butt in and mess up the entire order I was going in? The printer does not let you butt in. It clearly tells you: "Sorry copier but I'm busy. You must wait in line." Yet you let the printer walk all over you every time. Almost on purpose. I think because clearly, you hate us that much.

I hope that you will consider changing your ways.

Sincerely,
The Committee Reform Against Photocopiers (C.R.A.P.)

Lost & Found

There's something about this joke that people always quote: "It's always in the last place you look", that seems to have a strange untruth to it.

For me, the lost item I am looking for always seems to be in the first place I looked. I just don't see it that time around. Probably because somewhere in the sub-conscious, my brain is telling me, "Come on, you idiot, stop wasting time. You're not gonna find it in the first place you look. It's always in the last place you look. Everybody knows that. So if it's here, it's breaking the rule. Just glaze over this spot and focus on other sights. You are not lucky enough to find it right away."

So of course I go looking through ten other places and come back around to sight #1. And there it is...right there in the first place I looked (which strangely enough, is now the last place).

A Silent Prayer to the Shopping Cart gods.

I don't get it. Everytime I go shopping at my local grocery store, I say a small prayer before entering:

"Oh, dear gods of retail, please let this be the day that I pick a good shopping cart. One that will not continuously veer to one side, one that will not have that annoying bump at each turn of the single rickety wheel making the entire cart shake and rattle as I move through the giant superstore...one that will simply roll straight, smooth, quiet."

Why does this elude me every time? Is it every cart in the store...or is it just always the one I pick? And even if it is always just the one I happen to pick...everytime, there must be more than just one bad shopping cart in the entire store. I cannot possibly be picking the exact same cart each time I visit. So, in my infinite wisdom, I draw the conclusion that there must be a large percentage of bad shopping carts here. (even though as I look at other people walking around the store, none of them seem to be having any difficulty with theirs...) I must ask: Do we need to get Honda or Toyota to begin manufacturing these things? What is so difficult about making good sturdy shopping carts? We could put a man on the moon, but we cannot come up with a better way to make a simple contraption that is essentially a wire basket atop 4 wheels.

I don't get it. But then again, maybe it's just me...

May I Help You?

Whenever you are simply browsing and need no "help" from a salesperson, a salesperson is on you like white on rice. Making small talk as though you're long lost friends and commenting on anything you either touch, brush past, or look towards. "Oh, ma'am, I saw you look at that pink sweater for a brief second, let me tell you it's the hottest thing in the store, it would look great on you. What size are you, let me see, I'd say "small" (They say that to everyone). Oh, here it is. And let's grab the "large"...just in case you prefer a roomier fit." Would you like me to start a fitting room for you?"

But whenever you actually need help, you can't find a salesperson to save your life.

Is this a conspiracy? Is this a segment of the training video they have to watch in the orientation?: "How to Become Invisible When You are Needed", inconspicuously inserted somewhere between "How to Spot a Shoplifter" and the segment called "The Proper Way to Fold T-Shirts so that the Customer will invariably have to mess them all up just to see the size and price, thus giving you job security for life".

Fire Drill

When the fire alarm goes off in your building, you will undoubtedly forget where you keep your purse...even though you have kept it in the same spot, every day for the last 20 years.

Once you have your purse, you will scope around and wonder what else you should take with you. You will likely not be able to make this decision, so you take nothing and then worry about it when you are standing outside.

You will have on your worst looking PJs and also will not be able to find your socks...which is odd because they are in the same drawer you go into to get them everyday. The shoes you put on will not match anything you have thrown on, not your PJs, not your coat...nothing. You are likely leaving your apartment in PJs, wearing white sports socks and some dress shoes or sandals.

One of the firemen who comes to the building will be hot. You will remember what you are wearing and what you look like and kick yourself.

It will not be a warm summer night.

It wasn't a real fire, of course. Just some idiot in your building who could not work a toaster. The hot fireman will point this out as he exits. You will kick yourself again for not having a proper fire drill plan. One in which you have decent attire laid out, at the ready...like the firemen do. Alarm goes off, get dressed in the attire, and rush to the scene...of course the day I put this plan into action, there will be no more fire drills.

The Rain

You will faithfully carry an unbrella everyday, proud that you are always prepared for the rain. It will not rain. Finally, one day, you will say to yourself, "Well, there's really no reason to be carrying this thing around. I have not had to use it even once." You will at this point retire the umbrella to some corner of your closet. The very day you perform this act, it will rain.

Short on time?

Whenever you are running late for something, Murphy will not fail to come along and help make it the most pleasant experience. Guaranteed, you are driving on a two lane roadway behind a pretentious, slow driver of a BMW and in the lane next to you will be a giant big-rig going just as slow. ..and these two "wildcats" will most definitely stop at all yellow lights. They will both be going the exact way you need to go...pretty much the whole way there. When you finally arrive, there will not be a single parking spot close by.

When you are ahead of the game and have plenty of time to get somewhere, you will travel down the roadways swiftly with no hassle, you will breeze through every light, get a parking spot right at the door and when you get there, you'll kick yourself because now you're way too early and are thinking you could have spent that extra time doing something productive rather than standing around waiting (ugh). To make the wait even longer than expected, the person(s) you are waiting for will likely show up late...they are probably stuck on the roadway described above...

Just throw it away. You never use it.

Did you ever notice that the second after you throw something away, you suddenly find a use for it that has escaped you for the last 10 years?