A Letter to the Company Cafeteria

Dear Cafeteria Workers:

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the ways that you enrich our lives in all that you do. You are a beacon of light in our daily fight against the rat-race. We also take this opportunity to point out and re-confirm your commitment to these items that we feel are most important in continuing down this path of enlightenment for us. That being said, please take note of the following requests:

Do you see a soup or salad on my tray when I get to the register? Ever? But seriously, can you continue asking me everyday if I want soup or salad with that? I would hate it if on the one day I actually want it, that I not be prompted by you and hence miss out. Because, as you clearly already know, I cannot think for myself.

Can you maybe take 20 minutes to make my sandwich? Yes, that's exactly why I came rushing up here before the mad lunch "rush". So that I could waste my time standing here waiting 4 times the amount of time it should take. Because I have nothing else better to do with my time. And I do so enjoy eagerly watching the production of my lunch unfold in slow motion. It adds that extra "Chariots of Fire" quality to my day.

Can you pile all of the stuff in the middle of my sandwich so that when I go to take a bite, it falls apart? Yes, a scoop of the chicken salad (don't bother to flatten it - it will take too much time and I can see that time is your number one priority), throw the tomatoes on in a tower-like fashion on top of it and then add about 1/2 a pound of lettuce before you add the top piece of bread. I like having to make my sandwich over again when I get to my desk. It helps to fill my day with the creativity that my job so lacks.

Can you be ready and waiting while I am still deciding what I want and then as soon as I am ready to order, can you exit to the back for a few minutes? And when I have gotten my food, can you have me wait at the register for the cashier to show up? It gives me time to ponder and reflect on life. Much appreciated.

Can you please come over from the cash register and touch my cooked food with your bare hands? I like the flavor of money on my food. It just adds that extra exotic taste I was looking for today. And the germs of many, many hands, and other places coming off your hands onto the food I am about to eat makes me feel risqué. Because of you, I can think of myself as a wanton daredevil at least a few times a week in my otherwise lackluster existence. THANKS!

Can three of you be talking to me and trying to serve me all at once? It makes me feel special to know that this many people were involved in making my sandwich today. It is clearly a project that requires multiple levels of involvement and input. Our company values collaboration and teamwork. Great job!

When we order snacks for a meeting, can you please always ensure that these are "mystery" snacks? We so enjoy the anticipation of waiting to see what we're gonna get. It brings excitement to our otherwise dull lives. Please don't ever revise your ordering forms so that we have the ability to actually pick what we want. That's no fun.

Can you continue charging everyone a different price for the same meal? It's kind of a little game for us: Who got gypped the most today? We would hate to miss out on this amusement.

In closing, please keep up the good work. We'd be lost without you. Who needs exceptional service, really? It's over-rated. Your way is much more entertaining.

Sincerely,

Your Official Undying Supporters of Under-rated Cafeteria Kicks

(Y.O.U. S.U.C.K.)