Voice Response Systems

Now I like to consider myself pretty tech-savvy. I can use email, format an Excel spreadsheet, and independently program my VCR (yes, I still have one). And I like to think I'm progressionist on my views of technology. But I draw the line at these voice activated response systems. Curse on you, "Movie Phone", for starting this trend.

How lazy do they think the general public has gotten, that we can no longer tolerate having to punch in our information, so we'd rather opt to yell it into our phones. (Which doesn't leave me with a whole sense of security when I'm doing this in a public place, by the way).

I can't help but feel stupid yelling one-liners into my cell phone: "Account Information" Long pause. "Account Information". Long Pause. "Yes". Longer pause. "No"...I mean come on.

The automated lady on the phone is always so annoying. A female robot version of Alex Trebek. Friendly, in a condescending way. "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please listen carefully to the following options. When you hear the one you want, just say it." Like I haven't repeated it ten times already. Like I am saying the wrong thing...Then, after several failed attempts, she'll come on and say, "I'm sorry you are having trouble. Please try again later." And she hangs up!!!

It reminds me of a fateful night long ago when I had to make a collect call to my mom. This was when just a few companies were doing this. So I call the collect number. The lady gets on the line. "Please say your name after the tone." BEEP. I say my name. The system dials my mom.

Mom picks up. "Hello".

Short pause. "Hi, this is AT&T with a collect call from daughter. Will you accept the charges? Please say Yes or No."

Mom: "Okay".

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. This is AT&T with a collect call from daughter. Will you accept the charges. Yes or No?"

Mom: "Yeah, I said okay. Put her through!!".

Two more rounds of this and mom is getting frustrated.
Daughter chimes in, "Mom, you have to say yes."

Mom says, "I did. I don't know what's wrong."

"No, you actually have to say YES... Y - E - S "

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

She let's the AT&T lady finish her spiel and then very loudly with great determination, when the million dollar question is asked again, she yells:

"YES!!"

And there you have it. About a ten minute ordeal that should have taken a few seconds. Automated voice recognition at its finest.

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Or how about the name recognition service on our company voicemail:

The man comes on, very polite, mind you, and says: "Name Please?"

"Joe Smith"

"Thank you. Ringing Brenda Cooper. To cancel, press star."

You press star.

"Name Please?"

"Joe Smith"

"Thank you. Ringing John Smith. To cancel, press star."

Close, but no dice, so you press star.

"Name Please?"

"Joe Smith."

"Thank you. Ringing Chicago. To cancel, press star."

So after about 5 minutes, you accept that this is not working. You hang up on the polite man, and make a mental note to get Joe Smith's extension number for next time. Because apparently, his name is too complex and exotic for the phone mail system to recognize it. You get up from your chair and walk the 5 seconds to Joe's office. When you get there Joe waves you in and gestures you to have a seat as he's on a phone call. In about 3o seconds, you hear Joe say, out of the blue, the random phrase, "Account Information." You realize right away that this is going to take a while.