Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Re: Your Letter to the Company Cafeteria

Dear Supporter,

In response to your letter below dated March 11, 2006, we would like to re-affirm that we are in agreement with your requests and can fully guarantee that we will continue this level of service in the future. In addition to your requests, we would also like to add the following commitments to further enhance your cafeteria experience:

We in the cafeteria understand that you are busy. This is why we are committed to foregoing the usual pleasantries and questions, such as "Would you like pepper on that?" In the interest of saving you time, we will continue to predict what it is you want through the power of osmosis. Thus if we think that you think you want pepper, we will simply go ahead and add it. We believe that this will continue to be to your liking. Further to that, in response to your letter (request #1), we disagree with your statement. It is not that we believe that you cannot think for yourself. We simply believe that you cannot speak for yourself. Rest assured, our staff is fully certified to deliver this mind-reading service to alleviate your obligation here.

As an addendum, we would like to point out one exclusion to the above service: it does not apply to bread choice. We will still have to ask you what kind of bread you would like. We will, however, guarantee that, 1) we will not be able to tell you the bread choices, 2) we will stand in front of the bread choices so that you simply cannot see them, and 3) we will not post the bread choices anywhere since we will never consistenly have the same ones on hand on any given day ...we are however, willing to guarantee that when you do pick your bread, it will be our call whether to toast it or not. This part is covered under the "osmosis" clause above.

We are hereby extremely committed to ensuring that when you pick up a soup at our fine establishment, that it will take at least one full hour before it is cooled down enough for you to safely eat it. We think that the anticipation of the soup will bring you to enjoy it that much more. And your enjoyment is our number one priority.

We will always ensure that the least used condiment, such as relish, is the most fully stocked. There's no sense in actually stocking the things people want, such as ketchup. We feel that if you didn't have to ask for it, all lines of communication would be broken. Furthermore, our mind reading service does not cover condiments or other such items residing outside of the cafeteria line. In addition, as noted above, we can only predict those things that we think you want. Not the ones you actually want.

In addition to your request that we touch your food with our bare hands, we would also like to offer our "Germs on the Plastic Cutlery" plan at no additional charge to you. Under this plan, we will store all plastic cutlery face up in the bins so that you will not only experience the germs of the cashier's hands and the money on your food, you will also have the opportunity to eat said food using utensils that your co-workers have touched face up. I mean, germs on the food is one thing, but why stop there? There are so many other opportunities to provide more germs. We trust that this plan will be to your liking.

In closing, we would like to inform you that we will be meeting on a regular basis to discuss other ways to enhance our services. We will communicate to you any other items that are deemed to be in your interest. We will do so in the same timely and efficient manner that you are accustomed to.


League Of Steadfast and Efficiently Relegated Services


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