Cheez Whiz

You know how Oprah asks some of her famed guests, "What do you know for sure?" If I was ever offered the opportunity to be asked this by Oprah, I'd say:

"Oprah, that is a very interesting and profound question. (Then I would ponder this for a moment.) In life, I know for sure this: That although I do not particularly like Cheez Whiz, I know that once in a very blue moon, I develop a craving for it so strong that I have to have it right away. It usually happens at the most inopportune time. For that reason, I tend to keep a jar of it in the refrigerator at all times in anticipation of this event.

And, as sure as the sun rises in the east, I know that the next time I have a craving for Cheez Whiz, I will commend myself for always being so proactive. I will go to the fridge and with frenzied excitement, I will grab the unopened, faithful jar, look at it ravenously...and discover that it is expired."