The Workweek Rant

Manic Monday:
I'm not ready for this. Two days is not nearly enough time to recuperate from last week. I wish I was Costanza. I'd say I'm at an all-day meeting and be asleep under my desk the whole time.

Ode to Tuesday:
Dear Tuesday, you suck too.

Wednesday Woes:
Why don't we just get Wednesdays off? What purpose does this day serve? And why is it spelled in this way? It's pronounced "Wensday". It's the only day of the week that's doesn't sound like it's spelled. For this reason alone, it should be a day of rest.

Optimistic Thursday:
Ok, I'm back in the swing of this. I can totally handle this work thing. And one more day 'til the weekend! Piece of cake.

The Friday Vortex:
Why is my Friday always so damn hectic??...I spend the whole week behind on everything and think I can catch up a little bit on Friday. Yes, that will be the day I will tie up MY loose ends...but no, apparently everyone else has the same idea. So what you have is all these people trying to catch up on their work, having gone in circles all week, and then it all gets sucked into this one day we call Friday. The Vortex. I am going to start leaving an away message on my voicemail particularly for Friday. "I'm sorry, but today is Friday and, like you, I am also trying to catch up on my work. I will not be able to answer your request today. Press nothing. Hang up, and call back on Monday unless you are returning my phone call and I need something from you. Otherwise, do not attempt to reach me in any way. If you waited all week to get your problem resolved, then one more day clearly won't hurt you. Thank You and Have a Nice Day." This day has the perfect name. It is my Fried-Day.

In summary, I think we should only have to work one day a week: Thursday. Write your congressman in support of this new legislation.

And while we all wait for this new law to take effect, here's a note you can use to excuse your absence:

Catchy Phrases (Continued)

A continuation of my post from April 14th (phrases I'd like to bring back):

Do you mind? No, I babysit.

Go jump in the lake.

When someone calls your name: That's my name, don't wear it out.

When you give someone your phone number: Use it, don't abuse it.

When you and someone else say the same thing at the same time (1): Jinx! You owe me a beer.

When you and someone else say the same thing at the same time (2): Jinx! Now you can't speak 'til somebody says your name. (and if they speak before that, you get to punch them!).

Go take a long walk off a short pier.

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

She's not the brightest crayon in the box.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

He's all that and a bag of chips.

When you catch someone staring at you: Take a picture, it lasts longer.

When someone doesn't understand what you said: Did I stutter?

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

So what's your major malfunction?

What's the plan, Stan? (I still say this regularly)

What's the word, Big Bird?

What's the 411?

Instead of Goodbye: See ya later, alligator.

and the other person answers: In a while, crocodile.

_________________________________

That's it for now but I'll write more as I think of them....see ya later, alligator.

Great Tune, Great Video

Just Click on the Play button.
(I turned off the autostart since this post is now buried under others.)

Where'd You Go
Fort Minor, Featuring Holly Brook



Holly Brook's MySpace Page

The Oreo Cookie Psychological Profile Test

I'm #6 and #8. Because I really only like the cookie part. If I can cleanly pull off the cream and throw it away, I also opt to do that...but there's no profile that matches that action. Try it yourself. See what your profile is!!

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.



Your Personality:

1. The whole thing - this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit

4. Feverish Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help- immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

10 things I hate about traveling

You know what? I hate traveling. I love going places, but I hate traveling to get there. Here's my top ten beefs about traveling:

1. The cab pickup to the Airport:
When I call a cab for 8am, don't show up at 7:30 and then sulk when I say I'm not ready.

2. The cab ride to the Airport:
I am a customer in your cab. My main goal is to get from my home to the airport...nothing more, nothing less. I do not care that driving a taxi is hard work, and how you have trouble making ends meet, etc. I do not know you and I am not a social worker.

3. The Terminals:
Airports of the world, please come up with a better way to decide what belongs in what terminal and what is considered domestic vs International. Some of you consider Canada domestic, others International. And if it says US Airways - Canada, don't be surprised that I am going to get off the bus for my US Airways flight to Canada...I cannot predict that the terminal 5 stops down is the one that is for US Airways Express to Canada. Ughhh!! Even when I try to be right, I'm wrong.

4. The Sprawler:
The guy on the plane who thinks that because you are smaller, it is okay for him to sprawl himself over to your side of the seating area.

5. Canada Customs at Toronto Airport:
Can these people not afford ropes? These people can really learn something from the U.S. Customs side. At U.S. Customs, everyone enters the ropes in the order in which they got there and they are served in the same manner and in the order in which there is an agent available. What an ingenious idea. What's with the mass confusion on the Canadian side??? And while I'm at it, why do you have to trek 5 miles to get there? And why do you have to go UP an escalator and then DOWN another one to get there? Are they trying to play some trick on us? Like they don't want us to figure out where it's located. It must be some top secret location, maybe it's not even in the airport...I could just picture the geniuses around the table at the design stages of this thing: "Oh yeah, the excruciating long walk combined with the up and down is sure to completely disorient them. They'll never figure out where the customs office is really located this way." Why don't they just blindfold us when we get off the airplane?

6. The airline snack:
Do you have to be Arnold Shwarzenegger to open this packet? Also, why can't they decide what the ingredients are? Why is there a disclaimer: "May or may not contain peanuts and/or nuts."?? It's a bag of pretzels. How can they not know if it contains nuts or not?

7. The traveling Salesman:
He always needs to find some connection with you. At a layover one day, this guy was conversating with me, asking a lot of questions trying to find some reason to pass me his business card...because for salespeople, if there is no hand-off of the business card, then the conversation was a waste. "How's that sandwich?" (oops, that won't help me hand the business card, let me move quickly from this question) "Where do you work, where did you go to school, where are you traveling from?" and so on and so on....So he finally gets to something: "So what flight are you on?". I tell him the time and destination. "Oh, my, what a gosh-darn coincidence. When you get on the flight, ask for the pilot, mention my name, he is my sister's brother-in-law. He'll know me." And BAM! He hands me the business card for reference. Thanks! Now I feel like I have some influence over this flight. I will be sure to seek out the pilot as soon as I enter the aircraft. Maybe because I can say I know you, they will give me extra snacks on the flight. Oh joy.

8. The car rental Preferred Service:
When we exit the airport and get on your little bus, it is our goal to quickly pick up our car and be on our way. If we are not on the Preferred Service Plan, then you may want to drop us off at the car pick up desk FIRST since we are the ones who will have to wait in a line. We don't wish to crawl the entire parking lot while you make 20 stops to drop off the preferred people. Please go directly to the hub, drop us off, and then go back to perform this other service. Trust me, it won't take more than two minutes extra for the other "special" people.

9. The security check:
Now I think I look fairly non-threatening. Here's what happened one of the last times at the security check: "Ma'am we have detected scissors in your bag. Please produce the scissors." I find the damn scissors and show them to the officer. "I see these are sharp edge manicure scissors. Had they been the rounded edge ones you could have taken them with you. You have two choices ma'am: You can return to the ticket counter and check your bag or you can return to the beginning and mail them to yourself." This makes no sense to me because I'd rather do neither. "Can you simply just take them?", I ask. "Yes." "Okay, I'll do that." Come on, they are a pair of manicure scissors...not a machete. What do they think I am going to do with these scissors? Force someone into trimming their cuticles against their will?? Really, what catastrophic damage could these tiny scissors do? Yet, they allow someone to board the plane with 4 books of matches. Check out this article which clarifies this idiotic rule. It basically states that this new rule was meant to end "a security loophole that lawmakers said could be exploited by terrorists seeking to light explosives in the cabin." I could be way off here, but don't matches produce fire?... How on earth did these lawmakers miss this point??? I hope at least blow torches were banned. A 4-year old could have done a better job making this law. I think that's about the age we all learned what matches do...ummm, yeah, they can light things on fire.

10. The hotel heating and air conditioning:
If apartment buildings can have separate central climate control in each unit, why can't hotels?? These contraptions are loud and obnoxious and they can only make the room two temperatures: Too Hot or Too Cold. Well, I guess I shouldn't complain. At least there's some options.

One thing I love about traveling (because, really, I don't hate everything):

1. The bag helpers:
The wonderful rental car bus drivers who come out of the bus and take your bags with a smile and the nice tall men on the plane who help you get your bags into and out of the stupid overhead bins. God bless you all. Because, clearly you can see right away that I am a girl so I must have overpacked and of course my bags are probably way too heavy for me to lift. You are my heroes. :)

Y2K Compliance (Thru the Eyes of a Blonde)

TO: Boss

FROM: Blondie

RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

Catchy Phrases

Here are some very profound things that you just hardly ever hear anymore. I'd like to bring these back into regular conversation:

Cool it.

What you talkin' 'bout Willis?

Sike!

Gag me with a spoon.

Take an Ex-Lax and relax.

Go take a hike.

Go suck an egg.

Gnarly, dude.

That's Neat!

I know you are, but what am I?

Here's a quarter, call someone who cares.

Say it, don't spray it. I asked for the news, not the weather.

What time is it? It's time for you to buy a watch.

I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

BTW, the ones I really like are in BOLD.
____________________________

Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.

Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.

Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.

Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.

Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.

Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.

When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.

Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.

Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.

If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.

Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"

When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"

If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.

Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.

Tell them you have to use the bathroom.

Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. (This one's my personal favorite)

Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.

When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.

Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.

Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

The Friendly Toll Booth Guy

So we get lost on a toll road somewhere travelling in the U.S. What happened, you ask? Well, I didn't mean to get on the toll road. I really shouldn't have passed that point of no return (you know, where it says no U-Turn, but people do it anyways), and apparently, I NEVER should have passed through without taking a ticket. Oh well, there must be a way out...When we get to the first exit (which was about 15 miles away), we approach the lovely guy in the toll booth. I roll down my window and prepare to do my best "damsel in distress" impression.

"How are you doing Ma'am?", he says, (good, he seems friendly, he'll understand and let us through to go back with no problem)

"Well, not so good", I say, "we're lost and never meant to get on this road. Also we DID NOT TAKE A TICKET."

The guy's mood does a complete 180:

"Ma'am, yes I would agree, you have a VERY SERIOUS problem on your hands. If you had read the ticket, it says right there on the back" (pulls a ticket out and proceeds to read to me what is written on the back of it, while pointing at it and talking down to me):

"Should a driver misplace or fail to present a ticket at the exit, said driver shall pay the maximum trip amount up to that exit point."

Okay, so I don't bother to point out to the moron that I certainly could not have read the small print on the back of the TICKET (see above)...hence the dilemma in the first place...what geniuses are working in these toll booths? But I say nothing, because we need directions from this guy. There's no need to berate him the way he did us. We pay the maximum fee amount and he proceeds to tell us how to get back...in a very "Father talking to 3-year old child" manner. Ughh.

What an abuse of power. Clearly, these toll booth people take their job way too seriously. Buddy, your job is to collect tolls for a roadway. Not "Undercover Operative for the FBI."... Relax.

Being an Easter bunny is not fun...