What's Wrong with This Picture?

This will blow your mind. Let's see if you can figure it out. Be sure to look very closely throughout this picture and turn up your sound for a hint.

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m. the next day. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

(Hee hee hee...)

Nazi Hairdresser

I think there is a law out there that says you cannot continuously, for any great amount of time, be happy with your haircuts. It would throw off the laws of the universe if you went on a streak of good experiences. This is why the gods intervene every now and then to make sure that does not happen.

This week, I had my required intermittent encounter with this law...and I am pi$$ed. I should have known better. When I made the appointment and got the answer, sorry "Regular Hairdresser" is not in for 2 weeks...why why why did I say, "Oh, that's fine, give me someone else. I really need to get an appointment." The color and highlights went fine. "Regular Colorist" did a great job as usual. And then the handoff...

Enter Nazi Hairdresser...her instructions?: "I just want a trim." I don't know, to me, that means that every single hair on my head should be trimmed about a quarter inch at most and only if needed and I should be walking out of there looking about the same as I did when I got there. What does she do??...lops off 2 inches...oh yeah, that's what I really wanted. Yes, and put layers in even though I didn't ask for them. Do what you want because clearly I'm drunk or something and cannot really describe what I want. She must have been trained by the same people at our company cafeteria. Not only did she layer my hair when I did not ask her to...you can't even call it "layers". She basically chopped off all the hair from my crown to one bob-length and left the hair at the bottom long. Can you say "1980's??"...how about 2 haircuts going on at once?? I'm surprised she didn't give me a mullet.

There are a few things to note about hairdressers: 1) If you are not their regular client, they will not care about you. They will not bother to check with you to confirm what they are doing or have any conversation with you for that matter. What do they care? Especially if they know they are just a stand-in for your regular hairdresser. This must infuriate them. 2) They will always want to give you layers!!! WHY WHY WHY????? This is the most difficult haircut to grow out. It's like they know this. They don't like your long hair and want to do whatever it takes to force you to cut it off. 3) When you tell them you don't like it, they will not agree. Really, is it your opinion that matters here or MINE?? I think I'm the one who has to live with it, not YOU!!!!!!!!!! 4) The people you speak to at the salon afterwards will force you to come in again so they can "fix it". I can understand fixing a haircut that ended up too long. How on earth does one fix it if it's too short???? Is there some magic wand they have that will make the hair grow back immediately? NO. So this compromise is in no way soothing. Why don't they at the very least give you your money back? If I went to a restaurant, ordered a salad and they brought me a burger...I would not be expected to pay for the burger. Why then, am I expected to pay for a bird's nest on my head when all I asked for was a trim????

I hope she goes bald for the entire length of time it's going to take me to grow all my hair back to the length it was...I would curse here but I'm trying to keep this blog clean.

Another Head Scratcher

I wonder if this sign was worth the advertising expense...

Re: Your Letter to the Company Cafeteria

Dear Supporter,

In response to your letter below dated March 11, 2006, we would like to re-affirm that we are in agreement with your requests and can fully guarantee that we will continue this level of service in the future. In addition to your requests, we would also like to add the following commitments to further enhance your cafeteria experience:

We in the cafeteria understand that you are busy. This is why we are committed to foregoing the usual pleasantries and questions, such as "Would you like pepper on that?" In the interest of saving you time, we will continue to predict what it is you want through the power of osmosis. Thus if we think that you think you want pepper, we will simply go ahead and add it. We believe that this will continue to be to your liking. Further to that, in response to your letter (request #1), we disagree with your statement. It is not that we believe that you cannot think for yourself. We simply believe that you cannot speak for yourself. Rest assured, our staff is fully certified to deliver this mind-reading service to alleviate your obligation here.

As an addendum, we would like to point out one exclusion to the above service: it does not apply to bread choice. We will still have to ask you what kind of bread you would like. We will, however, guarantee that, 1) we will not be able to tell you the bread choices, 2) we will stand in front of the bread choices so that you simply cannot see them, and 3) we will not post the bread choices anywhere since we will never consistenly have the same ones on hand on any given day ...we are however, willing to guarantee that when you do pick your bread, it will be our call whether to toast it or not. This part is covered under the "osmosis" clause above.

We are hereby extremely committed to ensuring that when you pick up a soup at our fine establishment, that it will take at least one full hour before it is cooled down enough for you to safely eat it. We think that the anticipation of the soup will bring you to enjoy it that much more. And your enjoyment is our number one priority.

We will always ensure that the least used condiment, such as relish, is the most fully stocked. There's no sense in actually stocking the things people want, such as ketchup. We feel that if you didn't have to ask for it, all lines of communication would be broken. Furthermore, our mind reading service does not cover condiments or other such items residing outside of the cafeteria line. In addition, as noted above, we can only predict those things that we think you want. Not the ones you actually want.

In addition to your request that we touch your food with our bare hands, we would also like to offer our "Germs on the Plastic Cutlery" plan at no additional charge to you. Under this plan, we will store all plastic cutlery face up in the bins so that you will not only experience the germs of the cashier's hands and the money on your food, you will also have the opportunity to eat said food using utensils that your co-workers have touched face up. I mean, germs on the food is one thing, but why stop there? There are so many other opportunities to provide more germs. We trust that this plan will be to your liking.

In closing, we would like to inform you that we will be meeting on a regular basis to discuss other ways to enhance our services. We will communicate to you any other items that are deemed to be in your interest. We will do so in the same timely and efficient manner that you are accustomed to.

Sincerely,

League Of Steadfast and Efficiently Relegated Services
(L.O.S.E.R.S.)

And I thought smart people worked at the library

If in the real world, the average price of a new book is about $30 (unless you've ever had to buy text books...then I'd say it's about $100+) and the average price of a new movie is about $25, why does the library charge you 25 cents/day when you are late returning a book, yet has the audacity to charge you $2/day when you are late returning a movie?

Which Einstein came up with this formula?

Promotion Request

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Later that day...

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Would you want this name?

Poor guy. I'm sure it's Stuart Pidass and the "art" was whited out...but still, what an unfortunate combination...and of course he's Canadian!!

Head Scratcher

3 men go into a hotel. The desk clerk said the room was $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.

A while later, the desk clerk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys' room with $5.

On the way, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself. This meant that the men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27.

Add to that the $2 the bellboy kept and the total is $29. Where is the other dollar?

If Women Ruled the Car Dealerships

Yes, just sort them by color. We don't care about much else. The big signs and color coding on the building are also very convenient features. How could one go wrong with this type of set-up?

A Letter to the Company Cafeteria

Dear Cafeteria Workers:

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the ways that you enrich our lives in all that you do. You are a beacon of light in our daily fight against the rat-race. We also take this opportunity to point out and re-confirm your commitment to these items that we feel are most important in continuing down this path of enlightenment for us. That being said, please take note of the following requests:

Do you see a soup or salad on my tray when I get to the register? Ever? But seriously, can you continue asking me everyday if I want soup or salad with that? I would hate it if on the one day I actually want it, that I not be prompted by you and hence miss out. Because, as you clearly already know, I cannot think for myself.

Can you maybe take 20 minutes to make my sandwich? Yes, that's exactly why I came rushing up here before the mad lunch "rush". So that I could waste my time standing here waiting 4 times the amount of time it should take. Because I have nothing else better to do with my time. And I do so enjoy eagerly watching the production of my lunch unfold in slow motion. It adds that extra "Chariots of Fire" quality to my day.

Can you pile all of the stuff in the middle of my sandwich so that when I go to take a bite, it falls apart? Yes, a scoop of the chicken salad (don't bother to flatten it - it will take too much time and I can see that time is your number one priority), throw the tomatoes on in a tower-like fashion on top of it and then add about 1/2 a pound of lettuce before you add the top piece of bread. I like having to make my sandwich over again when I get to my desk. It helps to fill my day with the creativity that my job so lacks.

Can you be ready and waiting while I am still deciding what I want and then as soon as I am ready to order, can you exit to the back for a few minutes? And when I have gotten my food, can you have me wait at the register for the cashier to show up? It gives me time to ponder and reflect on life. Much appreciated.

Can you please come over from the cash register and touch my cooked food with your bare hands? I like the flavor of money on my food. It just adds that extra exotic taste I was looking for today. And the germs of many, many hands, and other places coming off your hands onto the food I am about to eat makes me feel risqué. Because of you, I can think of myself as a wanton daredevil at least a few times a week in my otherwise lackluster existence. THANKS!

Can three of you be talking to me and trying to serve me all at once? It makes me feel special to know that this many people were involved in making my sandwich today. It is clearly a project that requires multiple levels of involvement and input. Our company values collaboration and teamwork. Great job!

When we order snacks for a meeting, can you please always ensure that these are "mystery" snacks? We so enjoy the anticipation of waiting to see what we're gonna get. It brings excitement to our otherwise dull lives. Please don't ever revise your ordering forms so that we have the ability to actually pick what we want. That's no fun.

Can you continue charging everyone a different price for the same meal? It's kind of a little game for us: Who got gypped the most today? We would hate to miss out on this amusement.

In closing, please keep up the good work. We'd be lost without you. Who needs exceptional service, really? It's over-rated. Your way is much more entertaining.

Sincerely,

Your Official Undying Supporters of Under-rated Cafeteria Kicks

(Y.O.U. S.U.C.K.)

This one's Funny...

Click Here for a Funny List by someone else. All so true!!

Newsflash

How come when the newscasters find out a crucial bit of information, they make you wait until the next broadcast to tell you what it is. If you're not going to tell me what it is, don't interrupt my programming to give me some vague detail like:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"There is something in your home right now that could kill you. Tune in at 11 and we'll tell you all about it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay then. I will sit here and spend the next 4 hours worried and paralyzed on my couch. Or maybe the best thing to do is to go wait on my balcony...as the poignant and extremely informative newsflash did warn of "something in your home". Yeah, that's what I'll have to do, because the thing could very well be something as intangible as the air...

Cheez Whiz

You know how Oprah asks some of her famed guests, "What do you know for sure?" If I was ever offered the opportunity to be asked this by Oprah, I'd say:

"Oprah, that is a very interesting and profound question. (Then I would ponder this for a moment.) In life, I know for sure this: That although I do not particularly like Cheez Whiz, I know that once in a very blue moon, I develop a craving for it so strong that I have to have it right away. It usually happens at the most inopportune time. For that reason, I tend to keep a jar of it in the refrigerator at all times in anticipation of this event.

And, as sure as the sun rises in the east, I know that the next time I have a craving for Cheez Whiz, I will commend myself for always being so proactive. I will go to the fridge and with frenzied excitement, I will grab the unopened, faithful jar, look at it ravenously...and discover that it is expired."

Voice Response Systems

Now I like to consider myself pretty tech-savvy. I can use email, format an Excel spreadsheet, and independently program my VCR (yes, I still have one). And I like to think I'm progressionist on my views of technology. But I draw the line at these voice activated response systems. Curse on you, "Movie Phone", for starting this trend.

How lazy do they think the general public has gotten, that we can no longer tolerate having to punch in our information, so we'd rather opt to yell it into our phones. (Which doesn't leave me with a whole sense of security when I'm doing this in a public place, by the way).

I can't help but feel stupid yelling one-liners into my cell phone: "Account Information" Long pause. "Account Information". Long Pause. "Yes". Longer pause. "No"...I mean come on.

The automated lady on the phone is always so annoying. A female robot version of Alex Trebek. Friendly, in a condescending way. "I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please listen carefully to the following options. When you hear the one you want, just say it." Like I haven't repeated it ten times already. Like I am saying the wrong thing...Then, after several failed attempts, she'll come on and say, "I'm sorry you are having trouble. Please try again later." And she hangs up!!!

It reminds me of a fateful night long ago when I had to make a collect call to my mom. This was when just a few companies were doing this. So I call the collect number. The lady gets on the line. "Please say your name after the tone." BEEP. I say my name. The system dials my mom.

Mom picks up. "Hello".

Short pause. "Hi, this is AT&T with a collect call from daughter. Will you accept the charges? Please say Yes or No."

Mom: "Okay".

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. This is AT&T with a collect call from daughter. Will you accept the charges. Yes or No?"

Mom: "Yeah, I said okay. Put her through!!".

Two more rounds of this and mom is getting frustrated.
Daughter chimes in, "Mom, you have to say yes."

Mom says, "I did. I don't know what's wrong."

"No, you actually have to say YES... Y - E - S "

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

She let's the AT&T lady finish her spiel and then very loudly with great determination, when the million dollar question is asked again, she yells:

"YES!!"

And there you have it. About a ten minute ordeal that should have taken a few seconds. Automated voice recognition at its finest.

================

Or how about the name recognition service on our company voicemail:

The man comes on, very polite, mind you, and says: "Name Please?"

"Joe Smith"

"Thank you. Ringing Brenda Cooper. To cancel, press star."

You press star.

"Name Please?"

"Joe Smith"

"Thank you. Ringing John Smith. To cancel, press star."

Close, but no dice, so you press star.

"Name Please?"

"Joe Smith."

"Thank you. Ringing Chicago. To cancel, press star."

So after about 5 minutes, you accept that this is not working. You hang up on the polite man, and make a mental note to get Joe Smith's extension number for next time. Because apparently, his name is too complex and exotic for the phone mail system to recognize it. You get up from your chair and walk the 5 seconds to Joe's office. When you get there Joe waves you in and gestures you to have a seat as he's on a phone call. In about 3o seconds, you hear Joe say, out of the blue, the random phrase, "Account Information." You realize right away that this is going to take a while.

Car Salesmen: Please watch Sesame Street

How come when you are buying a car, during the schmoozing part, the salesman is telling you "Oh, you can afford $5,000 for this extra. $5,000 is not a lot of money." and when it's time to deal your trade-in, he will tell you, "You're asking $5,000 for your trade-in? That's a lot of money. We can't do that."

How come the $5,000 fee on extras is considered a minor cost against the value of the vehicle, but the $400 sticker price rebate you are getting is phenomenal savings? I think I already learned from Grover on Sesame Street the difference between big and small. Perhaps they should use this segment in their training program. And might as well throw in "Grover Explains the Difference Between Near and Far" and "Elmo Counts to Ten"

The Cash Register

Did you ever notice that you can walk by the cash register in a store a million times and see the cashier just waiting for customers with nothing to do...but as soon as you are ready to cash out with your purchases, every single person in the store has decided to do so at that very moment...all before you. And about five of them need a price check, of course. So you spend longer in the line than it took you to pick out your meager purchases. There is always someone who walks up and pretends that they don't know where the line ends, so they quietly sidle up next to someone in front of you, to which everyone gives them dirty looks. Having received the reprimand, this person always says, "Oh, I didn't know." with a nervous chuckle, and they return back to the store and continue looking around. Hoping for that moment when the cashier is just waiting for customers with nothing to do.

I remember one time I was in a busy store around Christmas. Waiting in line forever with about 3 items and it was my turn next. Some man walks up to me and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, can I go in front you? I only have this one item." And before I even answer him, he proceeds to cut the line in front of me. Ummm, where do you see the sign that says: "people who have single purchases shall supercede those with multiple purchases." (???) So I tell him, "I'm sorry, sir, but I was here first. You'll need to wait just like me and everybody else behind me." I remember the confused look on his face as he backed away. Like what I had said did not make any sense...So off he went, on his quest to find a victim who will let him cut the line. Buddy, if you just picked a line and stood in it for a while, you would have been out of here a long time ago.

By the way, his purchase was a can of paint. There is nothing about a can of paint that could be a dire emergency. I could understand if he was carrying a first aid kit or a defibrillator, but a can of paint?

A Grievance Letter to the Photocopier

Dear Photocopier,

What did we do to you to make you hate us so much? We gave you a nice, cushy job. You even have your own office space. You get to hang out all day with your friend the fax machine (who, by the way, should really step up and take a better leadership role. Teach you about good service). We keep you well fed with paper and ink. We even let you go to sleep each night for a much longer period than we even get.

All we ask is that when we need a photocopy, that you deliver. Is this too much to ask? How come, whenever we are in a rush, you invariably jam for some reason. It's like you sense our impatience and wish to mock us. Why do you say "Paper Jam. Please open cover and clear paper jam." Then when we open the cover or whatever door you are telling us to look in, there is NOTHING there.

Paper size... If I put something smaller than 8 1/2 X 11 paper on your glass, why must you confirm the paper size with me? Isn't 8 1/2 X 11 the smallest paper size you can deliver? Why do you not just deliver the copy on that size paper? You know you can't deliver something smaller so why do you ask? You don't ask this question when I put the normal size item on it. Photocopier, rest assured, I will tell you when I want the business card copied onto 11 X 17. You needn't worry yourself over it.

Lastly, when I am doing a long copy job, why do you let the print jobs butt in and mess up the entire order I was going in? The printer does not let you butt in. It clearly tells you: "Sorry copier but I'm busy. You must wait in line." Yet you let the printer walk all over you every time. Almost on purpose. I think because clearly, you hate us that much.

I hope that you will consider changing your ways.

Sincerely,
The Committee Reform Against Photocopiers (C.R.A.P.)

Lost & Found

There's something about this joke that people always quote: "It's always in the last place you look", that seems to have a strange untruth to it.

For me, the lost item I am looking for always seems to be in the first place I looked. I just don't see it that time around. Probably because somewhere in the sub-conscious, my brain is telling me, "Come on, you idiot, stop wasting time. You're not gonna find it in the first place you look. It's always in the last place you look. Everybody knows that. So if it's here, it's breaking the rule. Just glaze over this spot and focus on other sights. You are not lucky enough to find it right away."

So of course I go looking through ten other places and come back around to sight #1. And there it is...right there in the first place I looked (which strangely enough, is now the last place).

A Silent Prayer to the Shopping Cart gods.

I don't get it. Everytime I go shopping at my local grocery store, I say a small prayer before entering:

"Oh, dear gods of retail, please let this be the day that I pick a good shopping cart. One that will not continuously veer to one side, one that will not have that annoying bump at each turn of the single rickety wheel making the entire cart shake and rattle as I move through the giant superstore...one that will simply roll straight, smooth, quiet."

Why does this elude me every time? Is it every cart in the store...or is it just always the one I pick? And even if it is always just the one I happen to pick...everytime, there must be more than just one bad shopping cart in the entire store. I cannot possibly be picking the exact same cart each time I visit. So, in my infinite wisdom, I draw the conclusion that there must be a large percentage of bad shopping carts here. (even though as I look at other people walking around the store, none of them seem to be having any difficulty with theirs...) I must ask: Do we need to get Honda or Toyota to begin manufacturing these things? What is so difficult about making good sturdy shopping carts? We could put a man on the moon, but we cannot come up with a better way to make a simple contraption that is essentially a wire basket atop 4 wheels.

I don't get it. But then again, maybe it's just me...

May I Help You?

Whenever you are simply browsing and need no "help" from a salesperson, a salesperson is on you like white on rice. Making small talk as though you're long lost friends and commenting on anything you either touch, brush past, or look towards. "Oh, ma'am, I saw you look at that pink sweater for a brief second, let me tell you it's the hottest thing in the store, it would look great on you. What size are you, let me see, I'd say "small" (They say that to everyone). Oh, here it is. And let's grab the "large"...just in case you prefer a roomier fit." Would you like me to start a fitting room for you?"

But whenever you actually need help, you can't find a salesperson to save your life.

Is this a conspiracy? Is this a segment of the training video they have to watch in the orientation?: "How to Become Invisible When You are Needed", inconspicuously inserted somewhere between "How to Spot a Shoplifter" and the segment called "The Proper Way to Fold T-Shirts so that the Customer will invariably have to mess them all up just to see the size and price, thus giving you job security for life".

Fire Drill

When the fire alarm goes off in your building, you will undoubtedly forget where you keep your purse...even though you have kept it in the same spot, every day for the last 20 years.

Once you have your purse, you will scope around and wonder what else you should take with you. You will likely not be able to make this decision, so you take nothing and then worry about it when you are standing outside.

You will have on your worst looking PJs and also will not be able to find your socks...which is odd because they are in the same drawer you go into to get them everyday. The shoes you put on will not match anything you have thrown on, not your PJs, not your coat...nothing. You are likely leaving your apartment in PJs, wearing white sports socks and some dress shoes or sandals.

One of the firemen who comes to the building will be hot. You will remember what you are wearing and what you look like and kick yourself.

It will not be a warm summer night.

It wasn't a real fire, of course. Just some idiot in your building who could not work a toaster. The hot fireman will point this out as he exits. You will kick yourself again for not having a proper fire drill plan. One in which you have decent attire laid out, at the ready...like the firemen do. Alarm goes off, get dressed in the attire, and rush to the scene...of course the day I put this plan into action, there will be no more fire drills.

The Rain

You will faithfully carry an unbrella everyday, proud that you are always prepared for the rain. It will not rain. Finally, one day, you will say to yourself, "Well, there's really no reason to be carrying this thing around. I have not had to use it even once." You will at this point retire the umbrella to some corner of your closet. The very day you perform this act, it will rain.

Short on time?

Whenever you are running late for something, Murphy will not fail to come along and help make it the most pleasant experience. Guaranteed, you are driving on a two lane roadway behind a pretentious, slow driver of a BMW and in the lane next to you will be a giant big-rig going just as slow. ..and these two "wildcats" will most definitely stop at all yellow lights. They will both be going the exact way you need to go...pretty much the whole way there. When you finally arrive, there will not be a single parking spot close by.

When you are ahead of the game and have plenty of time to get somewhere, you will travel down the roadways swiftly with no hassle, you will breeze through every light, get a parking spot right at the door and when you get there, you'll kick yourself because now you're way too early and are thinking you could have spent that extra time doing something productive rather than standing around waiting (ugh). To make the wait even longer than expected, the person(s) you are waiting for will likely show up late...they are probably stuck on the roadway described above...

Just throw it away. You never use it.

Did you ever notice that the second after you throw something away, you suddenly find a use for it that has escaped you for the last 10 years?